Palin: Not Governor of Alaska, Visited it once on Spring Break

Satire alert

The Republican campaign of Sarah Palin admitted on Satuday that contrary to their previous assertions,she had not actually visited US troops inside Iraq, only visiting a border checkpoint while she was in Kuwait. They further admitted that she had not actually been in Ireland, but just sat in the plane while it refueled there.

They furthermore admited that far from rejecting earmarks she had requested $192 million in earmarks from the Federal government last February. In her first year in office, she had requested $550 million in earmarks. Since Alaska has a small population, these are large requests per capita.

Then, it became clear that Alaska does not actually produce 20 percent of the energy America uses, contrary to what Palin said in her speech. It is more like 2.4 to 3.5 percent depending what exactly she meant by her vague statement. That’s wrong by a factor of something like 6.

Moreover, the campaign was forced to admit , you can’t actually see Russia from Alaska, because of the curvature of the earth. Not to mention, one staffer said sheepishly, Palin wears pretty thick Tina Fey glasses, and can’t actually even see who she is talking to, much less all the way to Russia. She only agreed to run with John McCain, he explained, because she mistook him for Fred Thompson and thought it would be neat to appear as a judge sometime on “Law and Order.”

As for those alleged trips to Mexico and Canada, it turns out that she just likes to watch “Ugly Betty” on t.v. and thinks William Shatner is “still a hunk.”

The campaign finally broke down and admitted that Palin is not even governor of Alaska and only ever visited it once, on spring break in the 1980s. Palin admitted that it was an unusual choice for a spring break fling, but explained that she had been heading for Ft. Lauderdale when she and some friends tried some weed in the car and that she “couldn’t remember very much else about the trip.” She said it was the “spring break of a lifetime,” though, and she’d like to visit Alaska again someday after she dealt with the charges stemming from impersonating a politician.

Satire alert.